The upcoming months are going to be the most challenging of my life so far. I have pre – op diet, the op itself, and flying to Czech alone to have major surgery, I then have 2 weeks of liquid food and rest, 2 weeks of “mush” and 2 weeks of soft food, before finally reintroducing normal foods in to my diet.
I’ve had this summer planned in my head since January…. every second of time should be spent reading up on surgery stuff, exercising, tracking my diet, making the right choices, being dedicated to improving myself and sorting myself out. I had a selfish summer planned….all about ME ME ME. The one time it needed to be.
Then I met someone.
It’s still very early but he’s a lovely guy, very understanding of all this info I’ve thrown at him, as an almost stranger. There is potential for a relationship, but I keep asking myself “is now really the right time to get involved with someone?” My mind is so set on surgery, so focused. I barely think of anything else on a daily basis. I’m in exactly the right mindset to make it work, to make a change for life, and to change my life for the better, to finally start living it.
Can I realistically be a good gf/ be a good date/ when I’m in such a selfish place in my life. I feel guilty and horrible even thinking it. I can’t ask him to wait around for the next 8 weeks while I focus on myself and this major phase of surgery. I don’t expect anyone to wait around that long, and what if after that 8 weeks I’m still not ready? What if to make this work I do need to focus on me for a while?
But then theres the other side of the coin. I like him. More so with every date. He’s thoughtful, caring, understanding, intelligent, witty, makes me laugh so much, and I feel like I can be myself around him. He doesn’t judge me, or criticise me, and he makes me smile. What if by being selfish I lose him and regret it?
I’ve never been a very decisive person…..making no decision and seeing how it goes is always my route. But my head isn’t thinking about “how to make the next date amazing” or “how to seduce him and make him fall for me”, it’s thinking, ” eat this, and take this vitamin, exercise for x amount, book hotel for surgery…. etc.” Shouldn’t dating and a new relationship be all consuming and occupying all your thoughts as you start to really like someone?
I said at the start of the year…this was my year….to sort myself out…to change my life….to finally be pro active….I just didn’t realise how many opportunities I would have and all the choices I might have to make.
